Ride to Goodbye
by bearhuggemm
Summary: Jacob takes a drive. Song Fic. to "Holdin' On" by Rascal Flatts.


_There's a Mountain Dew can with lipstick on it_

_Rollin' round his truck bed._

_He just leaves it back there,_

_one of the things he still has left of her_

_When he drives into the late day sun_

_You can see a set of footprints._

_He ain't going to clean that windshield,_

_He'd rather just live with the hurt._

_He's holdin' on to the wheel_

_To the way she made him feel._

_To the shifter, to the pictures._

_Every precious moment with her._

_Like the left behind colors in the sky_

_When the sun is gone._

_He's holdin' on._

_Oh, he's holdin' on._

No one could stop him as he gunned the gas pedal to the floor, tearing out of the gravel driveway. Rocks flew in all directions as he whipped around and turned onto the road. The Rabbit grunted as he pushed the speed limit on the freeway. He wanted out. Anywhere he could go, he would, because nothing could be worse than being here. It was too hard to stay and watch while his whole life passed in front of him.

His knuckles turned white as he gripped the steering wheel with all he had. He pushed forward, not looking at any of the signs around him. It didn't matter where he was going he just needed to be there now. He didn't even notice how nice the weather was today. The sky was blue and the birds were chirping, but inside it was still as grey and cloudy as ever.

The engine was burning by the time he reached a good a spot as any to stop. He pulled off the highway onto the lakefront. The winding roads around it seemed endless. The car skidded to a stop as he tumbled out, falling onto his knees.

He put his head into his hands and let out the scream he couldn't repress any longer. His chest was swelling, as his deep breaths got increasingly more painful. It was dragging him farther into the dirt below him. He would gladly bury himself if it would take the feeling away. He hated himself more than he ever had in this moment. The feeling he had was an unstoppable emotion he couldn't escape. If he died in this moment, he would be haunted for the rest of eternity, blaming himself for everything that happened and especially all the things that didn't happen.

It was the regret that was eating him up inside. He didn't do enough even when there was so much more. He didn't fight hard enough. He had failed himself and everything he vowed he would do for her. The falling future he envisioned had been ripped out from under him all because he had failed. Nothing now would change the events of today.

She had died today and everything along with her, including his own heart and soul had died as well. He was an empty shell, just a memory of all the things that could have happened.

Nothing would ever be the same for him. Every moment he had with her had been the best in his life. She had made him who he was. Even on the hardest days, when they couldn't even look at each other, they were so mad, he still loved her. He had given himself to her completely, letting her have as much or as little of him as she needed and wanted. It was too hard for him to ask for more from her, even when his heart ached for it. He would only love for her.

No matter what anyone had said, an imprint could never break the hold she had on him. He was undeniably devoted in every sense. Ever since childhood, he had been hopelessly in love with her. It was only worse when she had started to need him back. He felt stronger and dedicated with her.

He couldn't go a whole day without her. Even when things had gotten bad, they had always made time for each other. It was a routine that they had, to see each other and sit on their driftwood branch. But they would never do that again.

_There's that voicemail on his cell phone_

_She ended with I love you,_

_And he saves it just in case_

_It might still be true_

_No he ain't through._

She was gone forever. He couldn't be there for her when she fell or when she needed someone to hold her while she cried. He couldn't be the one to keep her warm in the rain or make her blush.

The color had been taken from her cheeks, the beautiful brown blanched. The gentle wave of her hair wouldn't smell sweet like strawberries. He couldn't feel the sweet warmth of her hand on his or hear the sniffle she made when she breathed in deep enough.

_To the past_

_To the last time he held her_

_The breath on his neck._

_The three words she said._

This was the final goodbye. The very last straw he could handle. Everything else he had was for her. His entire life dedicated to her breath and now it meant nothing. He was broken and weak without her.

He didn't know how long he sat there with his hand cupping his face. It was long enough for the tears to fully soak the collar of his shirt. It was ruined and he hated himself for it. This was the last thing he had that smelled like her. She had embraced him for the last time, while he was wearing this. She had bought it for him one Christmas, saying that the blue brought out the dark in his eyes. He wanted to look special for her. It would be the last memory they had of each other. She couldn't see him anymore and he could never see her again.

This cant be the way it was meant to end. He kept asking himself. Was there something he could have done to prevent this? He didn't want to be hurting like this. No one could help him now, being so beyond repairable as he was now.

The sunset in front of him meant nothing. He couldn't enjoy it without someone by his side and the one person that could be would never be again.

In his pocket, he pulled out the silver charm bracelet he had gotten for her. It wasn't on her wrist like it should have been and it hurt him to no end for it to be in his hand now. To think that she couldn't even wear it now meant they were finally done. The last piece she had from his was in his hand. The last piece of her, he clutched tightly to him, clinking together.

He picks himself up, but most of the pieces are already gone. He is too far-gone. Each breath he takes pushes him farther over the edge he wants to jump from. If death could take the pain away he would do anything, but life isn't that simple. He was already dead, whether his body continued to work or not. His heart only beat for her and she took the last beat with her.

_He's holdin' on to the wheel_

_To the way she made him feel._

_To the shifter, to the pictures._

_Every precious moment with her._

The door was open and the keys in the ignition when he crawled back in. Leaning far back in his seat, he breathes in once, twice, three times and stops. His eyes close and he thinks of her safely in his arms. He doesn't want to give this up. The whole future he had wished for and the girl he fought for, he just wont let go. Tears fall again, slowly moving down his cheeks.

He weeps for everything they could have had together. He sees the haphazard wedding on the beach with every loved one seated before them, laughing and joining in conversation. The day they buy the house on the edge of the forest, with the big kitchen for her to make a mess of. The gentle glow she would have when she woke up in his arms, on the ruffled mattress in the bedroom. He feels the smile that appears on their faces when their first child makes its way into the world, bringing joy to the whole family. He looks on from the porch watching the sunsets change and drop before their eyes, as they grow old hand in hand.

The engine starts up again. He knew this day would come and he only wishes that he could have followed her. He wanted to go where he could not follow, to be with her in the dark. He reached out to her and tried to pull her back but nothing could have stopped this.

For now, he will remember everything they had together. He cant replay the 'what ifs' and the 'if only'. He will hold on to the feeling he had when he saw her each time. The swelling his heart would experience and the contagious smile that would appear on his face. It doesn't matter that he wont feel that again because it was all for her.

He will keep driving, always moving and never stopping. There is nothing left for him here. It was all for her and nothing without someone he can share his life with. She was the only one. When he finally does stop, it will be for good. He wasn't meant to turn around.

_He's holdin' on_

_Yeah, he's holdin' on_

_He's holdin' on_

_He's holdin on_

------

A/N: You can decide if you want Bella's death to be because of natural causes or because Edward decided to change her. The song is "Holdin' On" by Rascal Flatts.


End file.
